Wishful Thinking
by TheBeehive
Summary: Alyson is facing a lot of problems and this story tells us about what she does when the root of her problems come back and haunt her...
1. Chapter 1

Wishful thinking…it fills my thoughts all the time… wishes, hopes, dreams, for me, they never come true. Like one time I dreamt of being with someone who loved me and would never leave me but it all turned out to be one big piece of crap encrypted in my head. I wished for all my dreams to come true but all I got was the exact opposite. I've tried to kill myself but someone always catches me whenever I try to cut myself and that's why all my cutters and knives and sharp objects are being confiscated and I always end up asking myself "why am I here? What's the purpose of my being here when all my hopes and dreams don't come true and always end up being crushed and shattered into pieces just like my heart which I wish would stop beating at this very moment". Things come to an end, true. People end their lives whenever and for whatever reason but I wonder why I cant end mine. This life I live in never ceases to make me happy. Not even when I was a child. My parents separated for they only know what and I live with my aunt whose never home and talks to me through a piece of paper on the fridge. I sigh sometimes just to tell myself that I'm still awake and my lungs are still working but I just want them to stop and I want to be freed from this misery my parents put me in. I don't appreciate my life and I don't appreciate my parents giving it to me because they don't even care about me. If they did care, I'd be living with one of them but instead I'm living with paper stuck on the fridge.

Another stupid day. Another time for me to get up and go to work just to survive in this world. So I did morning crap and headed to work.

"Alyson glad you made it on time" my boss greeted. For those who may not know, I work in a coffee shop from 10 in the morning to 6 in the afternoon and I'm satisfied with the money they give to me.

"Yeah…it's not like I've ever been late" I said rolling my eyes as I spoke.

"You know, out of all the employees here, you're the only one who has a perfect record and for that, I'm giving you a raise"

"Thanks boss"

"No problem" he said and I started to take orders from some customers.

I served at least 20 people today and it was time for my lunch break. But sad thing is I didn't eat lunch. I hardly eat anything unless I feel the need to. So I just sat down on a table watching people pass by. Then suddenly four guys came in two of them seemed to be arguing about God only knows what. I noticed there was no one by the counter to take their order so I had to go do it myself.

"Hi…um can I please have four cups of coffee" one of the guys said.

"Okay. May I please have your name?"

"Ryan Patterson" he said and I just stopped and stared at him. I knew Ryan Patterson. He was the one who tore me apart and made me who I am now. Unappreciative and lifeless. But I don't think he remembers me because after he broke it off with me, I dyed my hair red and I started to put on eyeliner which was really nothing like me before.

"Excuse me, did you hear me?" he said not changing one bit. He was still that annoying and arrogant jackass ever since we first met.

"Yeah I heard you loud and clear. Are you staying in or would you like to take it out?"

"We'll be staying here."

"Okay. I'll just serve it to you so just grab a table and I'll be there as soon as possible."

"Thanks." He said walking towards one of the tables and sitting down with his group of friends.

I served his order to him and sat down in the table I sat in before they came in and everything was silent and suddenly, one of Ryan's friends sat in front of me and started a conversation.

"Hey there, you look like a really pretty girl. What's your name?"

"Alyson"

"Alyson's a nice name. I'm Zac."

"It's nice to meet you Zac" I said trying to show some enthusiasm.

"Well I just can't help but notice how beautiful eyes you have." He said and that's when I had enough. I stood up and wrote down a note for my boss and I walked towards Ryan and said.

"Are you really blind Ryan? Or don't you remember anything at all? Oh wait you don't because you never remembered anything!"

"What are you talking about? I don't even know who you are." He said laughing at me. The other two laughed along as well.

"You see. This proves it." I said running outside the coffee shop and pushing past all the people blocking my way. I hid in an alley and noticed that the alley wasn't much of a hiding place because he found me.

"Alyson? Is that you?"

"Yes. It is Ryan" I said as tears started falling from my eyes and ruining my make up.

"I don't know what to say."

"Then don't say anything in fact, why don't you just go back to the coffee shop and leave me alone like the last time?"

"I never meant to hurt you."

"But you did Ryan, you hurt me bad and you left a scar in me and that scar won't close and it would always be there and it hurts just thinking about it. Why did you have to come back?"

"I didn't know you were there. What was I suppose to do?"

"Nothing. But now what you are supposed to do is leave me alone."

"I can't do that. I can't just leave you alone"

"And why not?"

"Because I've been looking for you everywhere, hoping I can make things right. Hoping that everything would be like it was in the past, just hoping for another chance."

"Well hoping is what I call bullshit and if I were you I wouldn't keep hoping for that because those things will never come true"

"Oh is that so? You used to dream big and hope a lot and now you tell me this?"

"Yes because you ruined it for me. You're the reason why we're here right now. You're the reason why I wanted to kill myself so many times because I didn't know why I was living. You're the one who crushed all my hopes and dreams away and now here I am in front of you saying this right in your face hoping this would make a difference. Hoping that everything would just crash and I'd die in this very alley and you'd be the reason behind all this. But again, those are just hopes, they'll never come true."

"That's not true. All the things you said, they're all lies."

"They are not lies Ryan. I said all those things because they were real and if you think that I'm just saying those things because I'm hurt and you think that I'm a disturbed person then you're wrong"

"I never said that I thought that you were disturbed but me being the reason for your misery is a lie because if you remember clearly, I never wanted to break up with you."

"Are you crazy? You were the one who said that it was over and then you ran away to tour around the country and when you came back, you had a girl in your arms."

"That girl was my cousin"

"Lie all you want Ryan but I remember it all like it was yesterday and if she was your cousin, why'd you kiss her in the lips?"

"Fine I lied-"

"'Coz that's what you're good at Ryan, lying. All the things you told me, they were all lies and I believed them and I thought of it as the truth but I couldn't take anymore of it and I just couldn't stand it-"

"And that's when you broke up with me. See I told you that you were the one who broke it off"

"Fine I admit it but with you treating me like shit, why wouldn't I do the honors?" I said and he shut up. It was exactly like before. We had arguments like this and I always take the last line and he ran away. And that's what he did who walked away from the ally leaving me behind.

Only question is, will I see him again?


	2. Chapter 2

Sometimes I just find it weird that I have all the answers to my very questions…would I see him again

Sometimes I just find it weird that I have all the answers to my very questions…would I see him again? I think that's the most typical question I'd ask myself and obviously I would…I think…I'm not hoping for us to meet up again but I just have this feeling we will and I just don't want that feeling but I don't know how to get rid of it…

I ran out of thoughts and woke up to another day… did the same crap and went to work…but you know work is full of surprises… once I got in, they were there waiting for me. He was there waiting for me.

Once I got in, he dragged me right back outside, back to the alley and he crashed his lips to mine.

I missed the way this felt. The feeling of having him here, the feeling of his lips with mine. I didn't push him away and he didn't pull back. I was glad to be where I was and I know this might not be the best decision and that this may turn out into another mistake but I was giving it another shot. The consequences, I'll deal with them later but now, I'd cherish this moment because there might not be another moment…

"I'm sorry" I said and immediately, tears ran down my face.

"I'm sorry too. I never should have hurt you like that and all those things I said to you and all the pain I have caused you, I wish you'd forgive me for them and I hope you'd give me another shot. I promise I have changed my ways and I won't do anything to you that might inflict pain or hurt you. I know you still hate me for everything that has happened to you and I know how I turned your life around with just words and I can't help but feel guilty for all that. I've been treating you like shit and I was a total jerk and I want to apologize. I never thought I could do this to anyone and I thought I was better off on my own and that's why I left without any note or without a goodbye. But when I lost you, I realized how much you meant to me and no matter how many times I look for someone to take your place, I can never get it right coz no one ever can… you're too good for me and I don't expect you to take me back but I just wanted you to know that I miss you and yes, I do love you." He said and tears ran down his face as well…

It was hard to believe that he could actually cry in a situation like this but this was no time to think like that. He was here; ready to take me back, ready to be there for me again. I wanted to see if he really meant everything he said, about changing and being sorry and leaving without notice but I couldn't think straight, it was like I had a mental block. I couldn't think at all. I just stood there dumbfounded, mouth open and eyes wet. It took me a minute to let his word sink in and finally I spoke again though my voice was shaky.

"Ryan, I love you too and I yes, I forgive you. I wanna be with you and I wanna be by your side eternally. Your words seem so enticing but how do I know you mean every single word you say?"

"I'll prove it to you but I need your trust and your heart."

"If I give it to you, will I get it back in pieces?"

"You'll never get a hold of it again actually" he said wiping his tears and smiling.

"I feel so weird talking about this…I feel like a retard." I said and we both laughed

"You said it retard" he said and we laughed some more.

"But you're not the only retard here" he said cupping my face and kissing me softly.

We walked out of the alley hand in hand, eyes wet, noses red and wide grins on our faces.

We went in the coffee shop and everyone stared at our hands and our faces. I let go of his hand and I told him that I'd be right back and he nodded in reply. I went to the other side of the counter and I started working and from that day on everything was perfect. We'd go on little dates on my lunch break and sometimes my boss would extend it just a little so that I can spend more time with him and he could spend more time with me. Every night when I go home, we'd always stop by our favorite spot the first place we saw each other the first time we caught each other's eyes. I never forgot this place and sometimes I come here to think and I wait for him to show up but he never does but now, I don't have to wait anymore coz well he's here with me now. Hand in hand and glowing smiles and happiness fills the air. All the traces of sadness just washed away as if there was never a single fragment of it.

"I remember this place and it has been a very long time since I've been here" he said sitting down and I sat down with him.

"I came here every now and then and I waited for you but you never showed up I lost hope but now that you're here with me it seems like you never left or we never left."

"I' sorry I made you wait and I'm sorry for a lot of things-"

"Now is not the time to apologize. You have done that several times already. Now is the time to cherish every moment with each other" I said putting my head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around me.

"I wanna ask you something."

"What is it?"

"Would you please go to tour with me?" he asked and for a second there I thought he was gonna ask me to marry him but I guess I just think too much. That was a stupid thought…me marrying him? As if…

"What would I do there?"

"Be with me" he said batting his eyes and I smiled

"Well there's not much to do around here so yes, I'd love to go to tour with you" I said laughing at his reaction. He hugged me tightly and he stood and jumped all around like he just won the lottery. After his act, he sat back down beside me and we made out… I was looking forward to touring with him and meeting new people along the way I never really thought I could have an opportunity like this but when you have a guitarist of a band as a boyfriend, things like this would just walk by you. So I was pumped up and so was he.

"By the way tour starts a week from now so we'd be on the road by Thursday."

"That's 2 days from now"

"I know! Isn't it so exciting?"

'Yup I simply can't wait." I said reattaching his lips to mine.

"I love you Alyson" he said putting his hand on my cheek and kissed me as if he couldn't kiss me tomorrow.

"I love you too Ryan" I said and sat there and watched the sun set.

We went home an hour later and we slept peacefully in my room.

Two days flew by fast. I asked my boss if I could get a vacation and he said yes. I stood outside in the front porch with my bags beside me. Ready to go. Minutes later they arrived and I rode on the bus. Once I got on, they all greeted me one by one. I was happy to be here right now. Here with him where nothing can go wrong. Well not yet… we had fun on the bus and I got to know more about his friends. I got to hear them practice their awesome songs and I learned to like them. After a few hours, I got tired and I yawned. I was sitting on the couch talking to Brent.

"Someone seems sleepy…" he said laughing

"Am I that boring?" he continued and I laughed.

"No, you were not one bit of boring. Its just that I couldn't sleep much last night. I stayed awake thinking about today." I said and Ryan entered the room grabbing a water bottle from the fridge and he drank some water

"Dude your girlfriend's tired. What'd you do to her? Fuck her like hell last night?" he said and Ryan spit out the water in his mouth"

"Dude you are gross!" Brent said wiping the water off his face. I laughed even more.

"Are you crazy? I was with you last night asshole." He said winking at me.

"How would I know you didn't sneak out while I was sleeping?"

"You mean snoring like hell?"

"I do not snore"

"Hell ya you do"

"Whatever man" Brent said getting up and grabbing a new shirt and he went to the bathroom.

"You know, you can sleep in my bunk. I don't need it now" Ryan offered

"Okay." I said getting up and giving him a kiss before I climbed in his bunk. He came with me and lay down beside me.

"Where am I sleeping tonight?" I asked him

"Here with me."

"I'm guessing that's why you brought me here?"

"Ding ding ding" he said and I smiled.

"But if you don't want me to, I can take the couch and you can have my bunk"

"No its fine with me"

"Okay I'll be outside if you need me then."

"Okay" I said yawning

"Sleep tight" he said and I shut my eyes. I was too tired to reply to him. I slept soundly and I thought about everything that happened today and noticed that I've never been this happy ever since we parted ways. I laughed and smiled a lot and I never thought I could smile as much as I smiled today. i slept and I never wanted to open my eyes to see that the world was over anymore. This was another beginning and I hoped for a happy end… life can be anything you want it to be all you have to do is take control and watch where you're going, think to steps ahead and think twice and I did that and there are more decisions I'd have to make. Hopefully I'd make the right ones and forget about the wrong ones…just so you know, I've never been perfect and I don't think I'll ever be…


	3. Chapter 3

I woke up to the sound of Brent's voice. He was singing up in his bunk and I checked my watch to learn that it was already one in the morning and that Ryan fell asleep on the couch with the remote on his hand and a TV on. I got up and washed my face in the bathroom. I got a blanket and I placed it on top of him so that he wouldn't shiver in the morning just when I was going to go back in Ryan's bunk, after a moment, Brent stopped singing and there was a little thud sound and he was snoring away.

"Hey" Zac said and I almost screamed but it's a good thing my hand found its way to my mouth before I screamed and woke everyone up.

"What the hell…Zac, you almost gave me a heart attack" I whispered.

"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you…I was just wondering what that "thud" sound was…"

"It was just Brent's guitar. You're a light sleeper, aren't you?"

"Yup…I'm cursed with it."

"I always envied light sleepers…"

"On a second thought maybe being a light sleeper isn't that bad after all…" he said and I laughed. There was something in his eyes that didn't seem right and he looked at me in a really weird way…I pushed that thought aside and rubbed my eyes just to get rid of the awkwardness between us.

"I guess we should be getting back to bed" he said moving away and climbing in his bunk. I did the same and climbed in Ryan's bunk. I pitied Ryan. He didn't get to sleep in his own bunk instead I'm here taking up all the space…

I shut me eyes again and waited for the sun to wake me up. Once it rose up, my eyes fluttered open and I heard everyone greeting everyone outside. People from other bands were there and I don't remember Ryan mentioning that the tour we'd be going to would be warped.

Adrenaline rushed through my veins and I almost screamed in surprise. I was overjoyed, like there was too much happiness in my body. I quickly changed and brushed my teeth in the bathroom. I wore my chucks and darted out the door.

"Good Morning Alyson" They greeted altogether as of they planned it out. Ryan wrapped his arm around my waist and introduced me to the band members that were playing on warped tour.

We talked and laughed about random things it all seemed like fun and I was glad I came. I got to meet a lot of people today. A lot of friendly and fun people and I get to stay with them for like a month.

We arrived really early. All the merch tents were still being set up and there were no screaming girls or people who wanted to get the autographs of the people I just met today. It was 5:30 in the morning and I don't think the people would get up this early just to meet with the band. I know some people who would but there was no one today…

I told Ryan I'd be walking around and I'd be right back and he let go of me and I started walking around to see who else was here to perform. I saw the buses of Paramore, New Years day, Boys Like Girls, Friday Night Boys, The morning light, Metro Station, We the Kings, Forever The Sickest Kids, Bring me The Horizon, Cartel, Cobra Starship, Cute Is What We Aim For, The Academy Is…, There For Tomorrow, Anberlin, Angels And Airwaves, Chiodos, From First to Last, Gym Class heroes, Jack's Mannequin, The Audition, Automatic Love Letter, Motion City Soundtrack, Mayday Parade, and a lot more…

I was over excited to go to the first show. I went around some more and I ended up bumping in to someone and falling on the ground.

"Oh sorry" we said together. I smiled and so did the guy. He held out his hand to help me get up.

"I should really watch where I'm going" I muttered to myself but he heard my muttering and laughed.

"My name's Mike" he said smiling.

"I know, I mean my name's Alyson" I said blushing at the first part of my statement. He just laughed and for a moment there I thought he was making fun of me but hell I cared about that

"Hold on. Alyson? Alyson 7th grade Alyson?"

"What? OMG Mike, Mike Daniels? I never knew you were here…or that you had the ability to play an instrument…"

"Ouch…that was insulting…" he said jokingly rolling his eyes.

Mike Daniels. It was all coming back to me now. We were friends, yes but we always found ourselves in the middle of a stupid argument. But when I learned that he was arguing with me just because he liked me, I started to look at him in different ways and he started avoiding me. After the seventh grade, he transferred to another school and I never saw him again. I thought about him for a long time until Ryan came into my life. After that I guess I just forgot about him.

"So, you play too?" he asked breaking the silence between us.

"No, I'm just here with Anything Goes..." I said smiling.

"Anything Goes...? Who you with? Ryan, Brent or Zac?"

"You missed one"

"Well technically ya but Josh's taken so you have at least 3 choices left."

"I heard Brent had a girlfriend"

"Fine we're down to two… just answer the question and get it over with."

"Ryan" I said and his eyes almost popped out of its place

"What?" I asked him wondering why he was so shocked.

"Oh nothing" He said and he muttered something unintelligible.

"Okay so I guess I'd better be going now." I said and started to walk away

"Wait up!" he said calling after me and jogging to my side to keep up with my pace.

"I'll go with you" he said almost grabbing my hand but instead placed it in his pocket. He blushed a bit and looked at the floor as he walked along with me. I smiled because I've never made him blush before. Not that I remember.

We arrived after a few minutes and people were starting to crowd the outer portion of the place. I checked the clock and noticed that it was quarter to 8 and that's when people usually start to crowd. Ryan looked at me with Mike and smiled he approached us.

"I'm glad you made more friends and decided to bring them over here" he said smiling and greeting Mike. I smiled back and got back on the bus and grabbed my phone and placed it in my small bag. I noticed that there was a piece of paper. It seemed old and so I flipped it open and read what was in it. It was from Mike.

It said:

_Dear Alyson, _

_Hey…when you get this, I might not be there anymore and well I guess I'll never see you again but I just want you to know that I do have a crush on you and you have this effect on me that no one else has and I hope it will stay like that _

_until I don't know…forever would seem to cliché and you know I don't like those cliché things. Anyway, next year I don't think I'd be there to argue with you anymore coz my parents told me we were moving out somewhere. I don't know where yet but I don't think you would care at all. But I hope you do. I'll miss you a lot and no matter how annoying you can be and no matter how many arguments we had, I'd always have feelings for you. Feelings I don't think I can hide anymore since well you already know that I have them. Just so you know, I was right beside you while I was writing this and I don't think you'd know coz you're always so serious when it came to academic stuff but I don't really care much… I just wanted to say that I loved you and that I'll miss you and I hope you feel the same way. There's at least 5 minutes before summer and 5 minutes before I leave and see your face for the last time…so take care always… and hopefully we'll see each other again…_

_Mike _

Its weird how things just suddenly show up like this. I know I've never read this coz well I've never seen this before. And if I did read this, I would've gone after him and begged him not to go even though I couldn't do anything about it. I refolded the paper and let the words sink in. I breathed in and out softly and got a hold of myself. Seventh grade…and I only saw this now? What a waste of time… guess I never really paid that much attention when it wasn't school related. Well I didn't want summer school so what else could I have done?

I sighed and shook thoughts away. But I couldn't face him out there after reading that letter he gave me so I sat on the couch at the back of the bus and stared aimlessly at the floor. I tried to clear my thoughts but they'd keep coming back. I couldn't stop it coz I didn't know how. Simple things can make big differences and this saying was proven by the letter Mike gave me. No matter how old this may be, it still held a gigantic meaning in it. I fought back the tears and I didn't even know why I had them. I didn't have anything to cry about. This was seventh grade, meaning it was really old but I do wonder if he still felt the same way…but even if he did, I couldn't be with him…well not right now… not yet…


	4. Chapter 4

I finally got a hold of myself and I got my thoughts straight. I got up and out of the couch, ready to face anything that'd hit me in the face. At least I thought I was. I concentrated on my breathing to stay calm and got out of the bus which obviously was my hiding place. But before I went out, I looked outside the window to see the place starting to crowd but he was still there outside the bus. Mike and Ryan standing side by side. Obviously they were good friends and I'd hate to ruin their friendship so I pray I won't do anything stupid that might make them hate each other. I climbed down the stairs of the bus and put on a fake smile which I bet no one saw through. No one can ever tell I'm faking, Ryan said so himself once before.

"Hey, where'd you go?" Ryan asked as I walked to his side.

"I had to make a call. My aunt was worried. It's a first." I lied and everyone else laughed. I just smiled.

"Well the first show starts in half an hour. We don't wanna be late so I suggest we'd have to get going." Ryan said holding out his hand for me to grab and I took it without much thought.

We went ahead and we walked in silence. Something felt wrong.

"Ryan, is everything okay?"

"Why wouldn't it be?" he said with a pinch of sarcasm.

"You don't seem okay"

"I'm not everything"

"But everything included you in my question"

"Well there is something wrong but I'd rather keep it to myself"

"Can I do anything to make it better?"

"You can do this-"he said and he grabbed my other hand and kissed me. I smiled and so did he

"That helped" he whispered and I kissed him back. We stood there for awhile.

"Hey no PDA allowed!" Martin said patting Ryan's shoulder.

"You're just jealous Martin." Ryan said facing to greet him. When I looked at exactly which martin he was talking about I nearly jumped on him and screamed in his ear. He was the lead singer of BLfuckingG for crying out loud but it's a good thing I learned to control myself. If I never learned how to, I bet I'd be an embarrassment to Ryan right about now. My heart was thumping faster than it was a second ago and I was afraid they might actually hear it.

"Oh before I forget, this is Alyson, my girlfriend" Ryan said and Martin started making kissy faces to tease Ryan I just laughed along.

"Nice to meet you, Alyson" He said holding his hand out for me to shake it

"You too Martin" I said taking his hand and shaking it. This day was turning out to be really awesome except for the fact that Mike was here to ruin a bit, just a bit of everything but it's a good thing nothing bad happened but I did wonder why Ryan was feeling a bit off just a while ago. Martin and Ryan talked for a while and I was left staring at the things in front of me and I noticed that the show was starting at 11 and it was hardly 10. I guess Ryan just wanted to be away from everything for awhile but if he did want to be away, why'd he bring me with him? After Ryan and Martin talked, we said our goodbyes and Ryan faced me again.

"Okay maybe I can't keep it a secret."

"Can't keep what a secret?"

"I was just wondering if you and Mike had something going on coz you two seemed like you knew each other"

"We do know each other. Back in the seventh grade"

"Nothing happened?"

"Nothing at all" I reassured him because it really was true. Nothing ever happened between me and him.

"Okay, now that that's cleared up, come here-"he said pushing me towards him so we cold pick up where we left off before Martin interrupted. Minutes later, we heard people crowding so we both pulled away. We both smiled and I grabbed his hand and we walked backstage to where Paramore was setting up. We said or hellos and we made the necessary introductions and got on with the show. Ryan and I stood backstage and watched Paramore rock the stage. I looked to see if Ryan was having a fun time but instead of seeing a smile, a frown was glued on his face and I wanted to ask him what was wrong but I was afraid to ruin this day.

After the whole set Ryan put on the fakest smile he could and congratulated Hayley and the guys for being an awesome opening act. Anything Goes...'s show was still two days from now so they had time to party…

We both returned to the bus and everyone was at the back watching a movie. I didn't feel like watching or staying with Ryan and his awkward self. No offense but it was hard being with him like this as if I caused him so much pain by just being with Mike. So I told him I'd walk around again and this time Zac offered to come with me and Ryan sighed softly but I heard him well. I didn't know what to do and I did need a companion coz I'd be bored in no time.

I went out of the bus and breathed in the fresh air. We walked side by side in silence for a while…

"So, do you know what's going on with Ryan?" he asked me.

"No, well partly I guess"

"What do you mean?"

"He's sad because I think he's jealous of Mike and me but to tell you the truth, there's nothing to be jealous about. "

"Well you know how Ryan can be sometimes…"

"No I don't, I've never seen him miserable like this. Usually it was the other way around"

"Well this is I guess part of the 'change'" he said using air quotations for change.

"Is it? Or is it because he doesn't trust me?"

"Well maybe a bit of both but there is one question I've been longing to ask you…"

"What is it?"

"Do you have feelings for Mike?"

That question caught me dumbfounded and I didn't know how to answer it without giving anything away. Did I have feelings for Mike? For a minute there, I couldn't decipher the meaning of those words he just asked me and I didn't know what to do. He waited patiently for my answer but to me it seemed like he was waiting for a whole eternity. I couldn't find the words to say. I couldn't reason out. It felt like an hour and still I couldn't think. There was nothing in my head. It was like my brain stopped working and my throat ran dry. I couldn't speak or think and well I could hardly do anything to explain myself to him. I had self-control, yes but I guess it was never enough for this…my palms started to sweat and my eyes started watering up but Zac didn't notice it that much. I pulled myself together and I finally got some word down. I tried to speak carefully so that tears wouldn't start running down my face. I took a deep breathe and I finally said:

"I don't know"


	5. Chapter 5

"What do you mean you don't know?" Zac asked

"I mean exactly what I said" I snapped. This was getting on my nerves.

"No need to get hormonal on me" he said causing me to smile at his joke.

"But I am serious though…"

"Aly, you should start thinking things over…you wouldn't want to hurt Ryan now, would you?"

"Well it's not like he's not all mopey and hurt already…"

"Then get things right with him"

"I'll try" I said and I stopped walking. He didn't stop. He just continued his walk and I sat down on the bench beside me. To my surprise, Mike sat beside me.

"Anything wrong?" he said and I started feeling weird all of a sudden. He touched my hand and I flinched.

"No, nothings wrong" I said getting up and I ran away from him and hopefully he wasn't chasing after me but my hopes turned its back on me and it turns out that everything was gonna be like it was before and Mike grabbed me by the shoulder and made me stop.

"Whoa, what did I do now?" he asked when he caught his breath.

"I said nothing…didn't you hear me a while ago?" I half yelled at him

"Sorry" he said putting his hands up as if he were under arrest.

Tears started rolling down my face again as I sprinted away from him. I wasn't aware of where exactly I was going and I'm not good with directions so I guess I can consider myself lost. But at least I was lost in a meadow like place. I sat on a patch of grass not caring if I stain my clothes or not. I didn't want to think about anything right now. I just wanted to be alone. I sat by a tree and my eyes became heavy because of all the tears that came out of it. They were working overtime and all I wanted to do is shut them so that's exactly what I did.

My mind was blank and there was nothing to think about for a minute there I thought I died but I heard myself breathing and that's when I knew that I couldn't be dead. Yet. Hours passed by but it seemed like minutes. The heavy bass of the current band performing woke me up. I think the band playing was Boys Like Girls but I couldn't really tell. I stretched my arms and legs and observed where I was. I saw a meadow in front of me and it occurred to me that the sun had already set and so I checked my watch and noticed that it was 8 at night. I looked back and tried to get back to where the buses were. I couldn't believe I ran this far. But then memories started rushing back to my head and reminded me of the reason why I ran. I ran to get away from everything and if I were to survive here, I needed this meadow to get away from all the misery out there.

I started walking away from my secret hiding place and I was able to get back to the parking lot. Everyone was outside of their buses getting ready to party and kick off the tour with a bang. I looked for Anything Goes...'s bus and saw Mike on the way but I don't think he saw me and that was good. I found the bus after 2 rounds and so I climbed in. Ryan was the only one inside and he was asleep. In his bunk this time. I smiled and stroked his cheek with my fingers. His eyes opened and he smiled back. Obviously Zac talked to him and probably exaggerated on some things to get him smiling like this. I owed him big time. I wanted to see him like this all the time and I knew I wanted to see him like this, I needed to get things right with him and I was planning to do exactly that.

"Hey, how was your sleep?" I asked and he replied in a form of kiss.

"It wasn't good." he said

"How come? Did you have a nightmare?"

"Yea"

"Do you wanna talk about it?" I asked and he looked into my eyes and nodded.

"I dreamt that you were missing and I was so scared. But no one would listen coz no one else cared" he said singing to Linkin Park's song. And I laughed

"What? You can't really blame me for listening to that very addictive song all day" he said holding up his iPod for proof. I smiled.

"So, where did you go? Zac said he lost you after your little talk with him."

"Oh um I sat around for awhile then I got lost. It took me hours to find my way back here."

"Well you must be tired then. Why don't you lay down here?" he said patting the small amount of space beside him. I immediately lay down and embraced him. He did the same. I didn't feel like ever letting go of him. Minutes passed and Ryan started playing with my hair. Clearly he was bored so I made an attempt and kissed him to wash away the boredom he held inside. He kissed me back in a way he never kissed me before. This time the kiss was more aggressive and in a weird way soft. He broke away to get some air and I stared in his eyes and he looked back at my mind. Our eyes locked and once he caught his breath, we picked up where we left off. He rolled on top of me and he started kissing my neck and made a trail to my lips. I moaned a little as a sign of pleasure. I kissed him and then straddled him and everything went crazy…BLACK OUT

I woke up under sheets with his arms around me. I noticed that the sheets were the only things covering my bear body. I grabbed the sheets and opened the curtain to go and change. I closed the curtains to cover Ryan and I grabbed my clothes and head to the bathroom to take a quick shower and change. I got my thoughts together and my eyes nearly popped out of its sockets when I realized that we just had sex. I laughed inside my head at how hysterical my reaction had been. I lost my virginity, so what? I changed quickly and got out of the bathroom. I looked at the clock and saw that it was 5 in the morning. I walked to the back of the bus and got a bottle of water from the fridge. I twisted the cap and drank the contents slowly. While I was drinking, I heard the door slam and saw Zac come in. His shirt was wet with I'm guessing his sweat. He took the bottle from my hands and finished it for me while I stood there with my mouth opened wide.

"What? You owe me remember and you know, I hardly slept last night with you too moaning and screaming for more"

"Sorry. I didn't notice."

"Its okay by the way thanks for the water" he said walking to the bathroom and taking his shirt off.

"Never knew you jogged every morning."

"Well there are a lot of things you don't know about me and there are a lot of things I don't know about you so I guess it's what you can call fair"

"I guess you're right" he said walking in the bathroom and took a shower.

My stomach grumbled as I looked for something to eat. I found a Cap'n Crunch cereal box and got a bowl and a spoon. I sat down and noticed that I forgot the milk so I got up and was going to get some milk when I heard someone knock on the door. I walked to the door and wondered who it might be. I opened the door… I guess my past haunts be back every time something good happens and the cycle starts all over again…life is truly overrated…


	6. Chapter 6

Once I opened the door, Mike pulled me out of it and shut the door behind us. He pressed his lips against mine and held me against the door so I couldn't get away from him. He seemed drunk and his grip was hurting me. It was crushing my wrists. I screamed once he pulled away to gasp for air. After my scream broke out of my throat, a loud thud came from inside the bus and Ryan opened the door which made me fall on top of Mike and it put me in an awkward position with him. I got off of Mike and stared at Ryan who was glaring at Mike, eyes narrowed and grumpy coz obviously, I woke him up.

"You asshole!!" he shouted and I thought he woke the whole world up but no one seemed to notice.

He grabbed the collar of Mike's shirt and he threw him a hard punch to the face which threw him on the cemented ground. His nose was bleeding and I felt guilty. I don't know why but somehow inside, I wanted him to kiss me again. Tears rolled down my face as Ryan wrapped his arms around me.

"It's all okay now. I know you didn't do anything. He was drunk and I should've answered the door." he whispered.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry Ryan" I said crying even more.

"Shh, you don't need to apologize" he said and I stayed silent. But one thing I was sure of was that I really should have apologized to him. I started to have feelings for Mike and I was sure as hell he felt the same way even though he's in a drunken state. If I really tried to avoid him, I would've tried my best to get away from him and what happened before Ryan came and knocked him out was so not the best I could've done.

Minutes passed and we were sitting on the couch at the back of the bus. Ryan did so much to try to comfort me but I couldn't stop thinking about what had just occurred. My eyes darted aimlessly across the room hoping to get rid of the thoughts that might hurt Ryan. Ben and Brent were still fast asleep and Zac went out to get Mike back to his bus but he never came back in our bus. My stomach grumbled again and I felt Ryan shift his weight. He got up and poured the cereal on the bowl and poured in milk. He grabbed the spoon which was already on the table and he walked over to me, grabbed me by the hand and he sat me down on a chair so that I could eat my cereal. I grabbed the bowl and ate its contents while Ryan went to the bathroom to get ready for the day. After I ate, I washed the bowl ant placed back all the things I used. After which, Ryan came out of the bathroom and kissed me. I kissed him back automatically. The way he kissed me was filled with more passion and he never wanted to pull away

"Guys please get a room" Brent said as he entered the room.

"Sorry Brent" I said and he looked at me sympathetically.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing" Ryan said answering for me.

"I need some fresh air. Don't tell anyone about what happened today." Ryan whispered to me and went out.

"What was that all about?" Brent asked

"Nothing that concerns you" I snapped back

"Hey watch the attitude"

"Sorry it's just that there are so many things that happened today." I said and went to get my phone. I went out the door and started walking to the first show. Apparently, FTSK was performing and well, no one told me. That totally makes my day more worse than it already is. I sighed and walked to see if there was any way I could get in. I was in such a hurry that I hardly watched where I was going.

"Oh sorry" I said as I bumped in to someone

"I'm sorry too. Aren't you Alyson? Ryan's girlfriend right?" The guy who bumped me asked. It took me a while to notice that I was actually talking to was Trace Cyrus.

"Uh, yeah. And you must be Trace"

"I'm glad you know" he said and I smiled.

"Well who doesn't know you?" I asked rhetorically and he blushed.

"Anyway, I wanted to ask if you were okay. I kinda saw the whole thing with Mike and I was gonna go and stop him but Ryan was there so there was no need for me anymore" he said his voice filled with chagrin and remorse. I'm guessing he felt guilty about just standing there and looking at everything happen right in front of him.

"I'm fine. Thanks for your concern though" I said smiling

"Well I'm glad you're okay" he said and all the remorse washed away from his tone.

"Oh yeah, have you seen Ryan by any chance?"

"Um, no sorry"

"Oh ok thanks and it was nice meeting and talking to you Trace"

"You too Alyson" he said and I walked away smiling before I left. When I was out of his sight, I erased the smile on my face and went on to look for Ryan. He seemed pretty upset. Well who wouldn't be after a drunk guy would make out with your girlfriend really early in the morning.

I asked almost everyone I knew but they have not seen him anywhere. I started to wonder. I gave up my search and I went back to the bus. On the way, I didn't notice that I passed by BMTH's bus and I heard people screaming inside. At first I thought it would be because they were practicing for their set but when I listened closely, I heard Ryan and Mike screaming at each other like wild animals. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to make another scene but I couldn't stand here just listening to them shouting their throats out. So I made a decision. I barged in to the bus and caught them off guard.

"Ryan, it's not worth it" I said trying to stop the commotion.

"Puhlease, like its not" he said narrowing his eyes and glaring at Mike.

"Alyson, I'm sorry about this morning I should have never-"Mike was cut off by Ryan

"Shut up man! Even if you weren't drunk, I think you'd still do shit like that!"

"Ryan, we've been friends for a long time and I would never do anything like this to you!"

"But you did and that was so uncool of you!"

"STOP IT!" I shouted and they both stopped and turned to look at me.

"Gosh, can't you guys just get over it?" I said

"I can but he doesn't seem to try" Mike said pointing a finger to Ryan.

"Shut up man! You're just jealous you don't have a-"

"GUYS PLEASE!"I said regaining their attention. I stared at both of them for a second and ran out of the bus. Ran back to the meadow like spot and hoped that no one saw anything.

I got there panting and gasping for air. Running and crying at the same time is never a good combination. It takes too much air away from me. If only I could stop breathing now, I bet everyone would be happier. I mean they would grieve first I think but after that I bet they'd be happier. Mike and Ryan wouldn't be in such a horrible relationship. Ew that seemed wrong, but true. If I was never here, they wouldn't be arguing and they would still be friends. It would 

take time to forgive but it'll be good afterwards and happiness is what they both should have. But I came and ruined it all for them. I made them enemies. I made them angry at each other. I don't deserve to live. They're arguing over me, a girl who doesn't deserve either of them and yet, they seem to accept me for who I am. It hurts to think I'm the reason behind their sadness. I want to make things right and the only thing I can do or think of is…suicide. It would be big issue on warped tour I bet coz well, no one ever died here before, not that I've heard…but I just cant stand all this. It's better to end my life this way than to wait for my time to come. So I searched for something that can end my life and lucky me, the edge of the meadow was a cliff which led to the ocean. I looked down and realized that there was no way I could survive after this fall coz when I land, it'd be rocky and it would hurt but I deserve it for I caused so much pain to the people who cared for me. So I stood there and thought for a while. I counted mentally.

One, two…


	7. Chapter 7

Three…

"Alyson!!" Zac said running towards me as I took a step forward. He caught me and threw me on the ground. He threw far from the edge of my death.

"Are you out of your mind?!" Zac yelled.

"Are you out of yours?" I shot back

"You could've died back there!"

"I know what I was doing"

"Do you know how Ryan would feel if he knew that you were gonna jump of that cliff?!"

"Ya! He'd be happy!"

"You really are out of your mind"

"Well he'll mourn first but he'll be happier after I die!"

"Should I check you in at a mental hospital or should I bring you to a normal hospital first?"

"Let me explain."

"The floor's all yours"

"Ever since I went back with Ryan, all he's ever felt was sadness. He's not happy with me and I cause him more and more pain every single day even more when Mike is around chasing after me. They were really good friends before but look at them now. You don't see friendship in the glares they send each other now, do you? NO and that's why it would be best for everyone if I was never here because all I can give is pain and now that I have the chance to actually die, you come and stop me. How pleasant. But do you know how much pain this all costs me? More than what they feel! When I see them shout their throats out and throw punches at each other, when I see them destroy the friendship they once had, it causes me agony and I just cant bear with it any longer and right now, death is the only solution to the problem I have and here you are making me look for another way to solve my problem. Do you know how much more pain I have to go through to finally find the answer I've been looking for?" I said and this left him standing there and suddenly, a tear fell from his eye.

" Zac, I know you wanna protect me but I don't think this is what I deserve. You should go protect someone else. You're a good friend and I don't deserve you to come here and stop me. I know that if I fall off that cliff, it'd be the last time we'd see each other and I know its not fair coz we hardly spent time with each other but I assure you that I am just a waste of your time and that the only thing I can ever bring you is what I bring Mike and Ryan, sadness. This week I think I have cried at least a thousand tears and I have never cried that much ever since. I've made a lot of people unhappy and they give me the exact opposite, well some of them but the point is that I don't deserve this life. I don't deserve to be here and meet all of you. Its like I'm living someone else's life and I cant help but think that I am just a worthless being and a stupid masochistic girl who has a wonderful bunch of friends and an amazing boyfriend who has always been there for me. I just don't deserve it" I said getting up from the ground and dusted the dirt off my pants. I walked over to the edge again. While I was walking, Zac held me back. He gave me a bear hug which almost crushed my bones.

"No, I will not allow this" he said trying his best to prevent his voice from breaking.

"Zac, as I said, I don't deserve it."

"You are not going to leave me" he said carrying me farther away from the edge. He placed me down under the tree that led outside. He grabbed my hand and dragged me all the way to the back of the bus. He released me when I sat on the couch. I stared at him guiltily.

"See even you're unhappy I-"

"Stop it! Sit here and wait til I come back" he ordered and ran outside the bus.

He needed some space to calm down and I guess I can wait until he came back. There were a lot of things on my mind but one think that sticks out is the thought of making Zac cry. I've never made a guy cry in my life before and losing a friend might be really emotional and it might require tears but I just didn't expect some from him. Did he really care so much? And if he did why? We hardly knew each other and ever since, all he did was care. I just don't get him sometimes. He seems like a nice friend but friends don't care too much. Not to the point where it drives them to tears. Does he have feelings for me? I mean more than friends? This is too much to handle. I didn't expect my life to end this way. It makes sense coz I never really expect a lot of things. I just wait for time to pass and my life to go with it. I just think of my very last breath and where I'd spend it. With whom I'd spend it with. Will I be alone when it comes? So many questions I wanna know the answers to.

Time passed but it felt like years. Zac came back with Ryan and his Zac's eyes were puffy. Ryan ran to me and hugged me tightly.

"I heard what happened and I don't want that to happen again. You deserve everything you have and you were wrong when you said that all I've been feeling was misery when in real life I'm 100 times happier than I've ever been in the last few months. Ever since you came back to me, I couldn't wish or think that there could or would be something more. All my prayers have been answered and I'm really ecstatic about it but if you leave me and there would be no other way to persuade you to come back, I'd kill myself so that we can be in a place better than this. We could live forever with nothing to tear us apart but I wouldn't want to be a burden to my friends and put them in a complicated position, to have them find a guy who can replace me and make them start all over again when they've reached this far. They wouldn't want me dead and I'm sure as hell they wouldn't want you dead either. So if you want everyone else to be happy you'd follow my advice and stay alive, stay awake, get a grip and get out coz you're saved from the weight of the world. Just take a second to set things straight. I know, I know, no originality, I've heard that so many times" he whispered and I giggled towards the end.

"See just seeing you happy automatically makes me happy and I like making people laugh. I like keeping you here like this in my arms and I would never ever want to let go coz if I do, I wouldn't know what would happen. You know, you're the most amazing girl in this world. The most amazing girl I could ever have. No matter how many times I try to look and search for someone to replace you, I wouldn't be able to find her coz you're one in a kabadajillion and no one can ever be as awesome as you. You're amazing and you don't even know it. You even made Zac cry and I don't know how you did it but you did. I've never met anyone who made him cry as hard as you made him cry. I haven't even seen him like this. He had girlfriends, sure, but they don't make him cry, well not like that. And you're not only amazing coz you made a guy like Zac cry but you're amazing coz you actually understand me and you listen to me and you laugh at my really corny jokes. I don't know how you do it but you never fail to make me happy and that's why I love you. You always make my knees shake when you say I love you. You give me goosebumps when you touch me. You send chills down my spine when you kiss me. You take my breath away when you pass by. You make my heart pound ten times faster when you come near. You find me attracting and you seem to hold on to me when I know you can let go. You would even die for me but I wouldn't want you to because I'd never know what to do. So please don't make my life any harder by being away." He said and my eyes started to well up some tears.

"Ryan, I love you"

"I love you too." And with that, I pressed my lips against his. After one kiss I excused myself. And went to see where Zac went.

"Zac?"

"Yea?" he said from his bunk and so I walked to his bunk.

"Thank you so much." I said and I gave him a little kiss on the cheek.

"Anytime" he said and I returned to Ryan.

"Zac, you okay in there?" Ryan asked once we passed by.

"Yea but I might be late for the show so just stall if ever."

"Okay." Ryan said and he placed my hand in his and we walked to ANYTHING GOES's set.

Ryan and I talked about silly experiences we had in the past. We both were happy and I was even happier to see that I finally saw him happy. I saw him happy with my own eyes. I searched for his eyes and immediately his eyes landed on mine and we stared at each other for a while. Then the first show started. And Check Yes Juliet by We The Kings played. Anything Goes' set was up next so we hurried back stage to where Brent and Josh were waiting.

"Where's Zac?" Brent asked.

"In the bus. He said just stall if he doesn't make it on time."

"What?!" Brent panicked. I never thought Brent would be nervous before shows. I thought he'd have lots of experience.

"Dude, take a chill pill" Ryan said laughing at the way Brent was acting or I think overacting would be a better word.

We all laughed and tried to calm Brent down and we waited for Zac. He was on time and Brent finally settled down. Minutes later, it was their turn to take the stage. They were all on stage and I watched them from the back.

"How's everyone doing tonight?" Brent greeted through the mic and everyone screamed in reply.

"Okay imma take that as a rockin' mood. So why don't we start the show?" Brent said and opened the show with Let It Roll and everyone sang or screamed along with them. I sang as well and was looking intently at Ryan as he shot me glances. I smiled every time he turned to face me and he couldn't help but smile back.

They played an awesome show that rocked warped tour off the ground. Everyone bought Anything Goes… merch and waited for the guys to get out so that they could take pictures ask them to sign autographs. I was happy just to see Ryan happy as a bunch of fans attacked him for his autograph and picture. I laughed at him for being so helpless. It was crazy. After everyone got what they wanted, Ryan kissed me with so much enthusiasm.

"I missed you" he said.

"But I was right there at the back."

"I know but still" he said as he kissed me once more.

"So what now?" I asked.

"Hmm…I'm really tired now so why don't we go back to the bus" he said smiling.

"Okay." I said as we walked back to the bus.

My life is starting to turn around and hopefully there wouldn't be any more twists and turns that can ruin it. So many things happened today and I'm just happy that nothing terrible happened and that no one had to lose a friend or a life.

Live your life the way you want to. Don't hold back on anything coz the outcome of what you do will always have a purpose. Good or bad, right or wrong, either or, they all lead to your purpose in life. So don't be afraid coz someone will always have your back. If ever they cause you happiness and you think you cause them pain, open your eyes and look outside the box. In other words think twice before you jump to conclusions because jumping to conclusions can lead to mistakes and once you have committed one you can't take it back, you have to learn from it. So now, I have to learn from mine and hopefully I'll learn quickly coz I don't wanna spend my life regretting all the things I've done…


	8. Chapter 8

Days pass by quickly here on Warped Tour. Moving from city to city has never been so much fun especially when you have really awesome friends with you. Everything's going great so far and every day just keeps getting better and better.

"Good morning" Brent said greeting me as I walked out of the bus that early Saturday morning.

"Same to you" I said smiling and taking a look around. We were in Buffalo today.

"If you're looking for Ryan, he's probably in The Morning Light's bus"

"Thanks." I said and I walked toward the bus. I kept looking for the bus but obviously I couldn't find it coz there were a lot of buses out her and I admit… I'm totally lost. I continued walking until I didn't know where I was going anymore. So I stopped and looked around to trace my footsteps.

"You lost?" a familiar voice asked. It startled me because I knew exactly who the owner of that voice was. Mike. I turned and looked at him.

"I'm not here to cause any trouble I swear" he said putting his hands up in minisurrender.

"Um…well I was kinda wondering if you could show me where TML's bus is." I said hoping what he said was true. He smiled and said:

"Follow me" he walked with no stops. Clearly he knew his way around. He took several turns and we got to the bus in a matter of minutes.

"Thank you."I said grateful for what he has done for me.

"No problem...can I ask you something?"

"Okay…go ahead"

"I was sort of wondering if well you'd want to hang out sometime you know just friends…" he said feeling slightly nervous.

"As long as it's a just friends thing." I said smiling in approval.

He smiled and went on his way. I turned to the bus and knocked on the door.

"Hey there" Harrison said opening the door.

"Hi…Harrison right?"

"Ya and I'm guessing you're Alyson"

"Yup"

"Hmm…um if you're looking for Ryan, he already left."

"Are you serious?" I asked. Getting lost must have taken up so much time…

"Ya he said he wanted to check up on you but you could stay and wait for him if you want to. But I'm not sure if he'd come back or not"

"Oh. Um thanks for the offer but I have some other plans so maybe some time else would be good" I said smiling and waving goodbye.

I looked around hoping to catch Mike and taking him up on his offer. He couldn't have gotten that far. Besides if I were to get back to ATL's bus I'm thinking it would take half an hour without a guy like him and plus it's not like I have anything better to do right now. So I looked in between buses and saw him manning their bands merch booth.

"I never thought you were much of a merch guy." I said looking at the neat t-shirts they had.

"Well I'm actually doing a favor. Ken, our merch guy got the flu so I took over for him coz no one else would."

"That's sweet of you."

"Well it's not like I had anything else to do and besides he's a good friend. Like I said, I'm just doing him a favor." He said handing out a shirt and collecting the money.

"You need a hand?" I offered.

"Sure" he said and I went to the other side of the merch table and started helping out.

Today was normal. The "just friends" rule totally applied and I was happy. Morning was out and the dusk filled the air. It was getting late and the merch tent was going for a close.

"I had a great time today but I think I have to get going now. Ryan worries a lot." I said smiling.

"Oh okay. Can you find your way around now?" he asked.

"Are you a mind reader or something?" I asked and he and I started laughing.

"No but I know things."

"Ah…I see so I guess you wouldn't mind leading me back to ATL's bus? Or is that something I have to do for myself?"

"No its fine. It'd be my pleasure actually."

"Okay…lead the way Mr. I-know-a-lot-of-things" I said smiling at the new nickname I gave Mike.

He smiled at it as well as he led me back to the bus.

"So you wanna do this again sometime?" he asked after a few steps from the merch booth.

"Sure. I'd be glad to."

"Well I'll be around here if ever you need me" he said as we reached the front door of the bus

"I'll keep that in mind" I said. Being with Mike today felt okay but I got a really weird feeling in the gut. Hopefully it was nothing. I get in the bus and see Ryan and Brent talking at the very back.

"Where've you been? I've been looking for you all day." Ryan said getting up and running towards me. He wrapped his arms tight around me.

"Ryan…can't…breathe" I said struggling and gasping for air.

"Sorry it's just that I haven't seen you all day" he said leaning down to kiss me. Something in his kiss didn't feel quite right. For some reason I think he was holding back…but it's probably nothing.

It was late and I was getting tired…probably I'll handle everything else tomorrow

"We should get some sleep now" Ryan said dragging my hand to his bunk.

"Good night, Brent" Ryan said as he pulled me into his bunk. I didn't hear anything from Brent which was weird but I wouldn't really care, would I?

Ryan turned off the light, closed the curtains and lay down with me in the very small space. I was getting suspicious but my eyes were getting heavy which told me that I should really get some sleep. And so I drifted off to sleep…

The next day, I opened my eyes and noticed that I was the only one in the bunk. He was out again. I can't help but think something is wrong. I get up; take a bath hoping the water would wash it all away but when I came out fully dressed and ready for another day, there was still something in me that wants to drag me down.

"Hey Brent, where'd Ryan go?" I asked.

"Don't you think Ryan's been up to something? I mean like he hasn't been acting like himself lately?"

"Are you saying he's high on drugs or probably smoking coke?!"

"NO! I don't mean that. Well I don't see why I should hide things like this from you but I just wanted you to know that Ryan's been well…he's been seeing someone else."

"Hahaha very funny Brent. Cut the crap and tell me the truth."

"If you don't believe me, why don't you go look for him yourself" Brent said and I walked out the bus door. Well I didn't really walk out the door I more or less jogged going out. I wanted to know the truth and so I began to look for it. I started my search in between buses, behind merch tents and booths, in some other bands' set and in more places. With this, you can say I'm a desperate person but you can't blame me. I searched for what seemed like an hour but found nothing. I turned around and around til something caught my eye. Right at the side of a bus. He was there kissing her. I couldn't believe it. Brent was right. I ran, ran back to the bus as fast as I could. I got in and Brent was there waiting. He saw the tears in my eyes and so he wrapped his arms around me.

"Don't worry, it'll be okay soon…I'll talk to him for you" Brent said and with that, more tears fell from my eyes.

A while later, I lay down on the couch. I was alone because they had a show today. Because of the silence, I was able to think. If he went out kissing other girls behind my back, would it matter if I did the same? Two can play this game. If he wants to play, then let the games begin…


	9. Chapter 9

Okay so it's about 7:30 P.M. they probably wrapped up their set. I know he's coming but I decided to get out. I looked for Mike and I saw him signing for some fans. I walked towards him and he smiled. I smiled back.

"What's up?" he said as the fans started to disperse.

"I need you, pronto"

"What for?"

"Just come with me" I said smiling and dragging him by the hand.

"Alyson, what are you doing?"

"Looking for Ryan"

"If you're looking for Ryan, why are you bringing me with you?"

"To do this" I said before crashing my lips to his right in front of Ryan Patterson

"What the hell, Alyson?" Ryan said obviously frustrated and shocked because of the scene I just made.

"Oh this is nothing" I said letting Mike go.

"I better go" Mike said

"You better" Ryan said starting to lose his temper.

"You are such a hypocrite. Did you know that?" I said as Mike was out of hearing sight

"I don't understand Alyson. What do you mean? I never did anything wrong and you come out here with that guy-"

"Shut the hell up Patterson! I know what you did! I saw you with my two eyes. Don't try to pull the shit on me coz its not gonna work one bit! I saw you making out with that whore in between a bus and the way you acted yesterday only made it more obvious."

"Did Brent tell you this?"

"Brent didn't do anything here. This is between you and me. Don't drag other people in to this!" I screamed catching the attention of the people around.

"Why don't we go talk about this some place else." He said leading the way. We got in the bus and luckily no one was inside.

"Look I'm sorry okay. I didn't mean to do anything like that"

"But you did Ryan and your apology can't take that back"

"I'm sorry" he said starting to get annoyed.

"Ryan, your sorry won't change anything"

"Then what the hell do you expect me to do here!?"

"Is this how its gonna be from now on, huh?"

"What do you mean?"

"We'd be hurting each other now? If this is how it'll be from now on then call me out. I don't need you to put me down Ryan. And by the way, I thought you changed. I gave you a chance and all you did was throw it back to my face like some piece of trash. And here we are again, back at the start. Is this really what you wanted?"

"Slow down. Look, I know what I did was wrong and-"

"Tell me Ryan, did you really love me or are you just playing with me?" I asked and he stayed silent. Exactly what I expected.

"Guess you never did" I said as I walked out the front door.

I walked around for awhile and as I walked, I saw Mike sitting on the bench

"Hey Mike, I'm really sorry about what happened a while ago." I said as I sat beside him.

He didn't seem to reply to me.

"Mike? Mike, are you okay?"

"I can't believe he did that to you." He finally said

"Wow. These things spread like wildfire"

"And you're doing nothing about this?"

"There's nothing I can do really. Besides, this is the second time. Practically got used to it already"

"You don't deserve him Aly"

"You said it"

"I'm not kidding"

"Neither am I"

"You gonna be okay?"

"Don't I seem that way?"

"I don't know. Probably it's just me contemplating on what happened here. Alyson, I'm here for you if you need me. You know that right?"

"Of course" I said smiling and noticing how much he really cared for me. And with that last line, we looked up at the stars in the night sky. We watched them shine above our heads. I may be looking at the stars but I can feel his gaze on me. I turn to look at him and he leaned in before I could say anything.

"I'm sorry" he said pulling away.

"There's nothing wrong here Mike" I said caressing his cheek with my fingers.

"I think I need to give you time to wallow. Would you want that?"

"What's there to wallow about?"

"I don't know you just broke up with him. I'm not saying I don't want to be with you but wouldn't you want some time to move on?"

"You're a great guy Mike but I think I'll have to disagree with your suggestions."

"That's fine with me" he said and I leaned in to him. We made out and I never want to separate my lips from his.

Probably hours passed and my phone buzzed in my pocket. I didn't want to pick it up because right now I didn't care who was looking for me.

A while later, both our lips were swollen and we just cuddled in the cold breeze. While I was in Mike's arms, I got my phone out of my pocket. Turns out Ryan called like 5 times and left at least 3 messages. But like I said…I didn't care and whatever he has to say can wait til later.

"Hey Mike is it possible for me to stay with you until warped tour ends?"

"Sure. We don't sleep in the bus though. We always sleep at the hotel near by unless we attend a party and get too wasted to return to the hotel room"

"Thanks Mike" I said hugging him tight. Being in his arms made me feel safe. It was as if nothing can hurt me if his arms are wrapped around me. It felt warm and safe.

"I guess we better get a move on" Mike said getting up and taking me by the hand. I followed him into the hotel room and he crashed on the bed. I lay beside him. It was amazing how each of them got a room of their own.

"Good night Alyson" he said

"Good night Mike" I said and he gave me a little kiss before he switched off the lamp.

We both slept soundly and some time later, my phone buzzed again. I didn't want to wake Mike up because of the vibration so I slowly got up and went to the bathroom where I checked out everything Ryan sent.

First message:

_Alyson, please call me back. We need to talk_

_Ryan_

Second message:

_Since you wont pick up your phone, I just want you to know that you're right and I should never have done anything like that but just so you know, I never planned for anything like this to happen and I know I should've known better but I didn't. Can't you just forgive me? I know this is the second time but a third shot wouldn't hurt would it? Please text back. I'm worried about you._

_Ryan_

Third message:

_Okay. I'm wasted now. Are you happy? Coz I'm screwed up. Please call me back. Come back here with me. I need you. Alyson I need you know and I'm sorry. I love you_

Never thought he'd keep texting when he's wasted. But it could always be another lie right? I just hate it when he does things like this. It's so irritating. I swear.

"Alyson?" Mike called out from the bedroom.

"I'm in the bathroom" I said hoping he wouldn't come in. He needs his rest. I look at the mirror and notice that my make up's all messed up. I've been crying all day and I can't believe anything that just happened today. It's like everything struck me just now. And as I come to that realization, more tears fall from my face.

"Are you okay?" Mike asked startling me. He squinted his eyes because of the light. He pulled me into his arms and rocked me from side to side.

"Its gonna be okay. If you want, I'll kick his ass for you" he said and I shook my head so fast it made him laugh

"As long as it makes you happy" he said

"Are you done here?" Mike asked and I nodded. And with that, we climbed back on the bed and got some good night sleep hoping for a brighter tomorrow.


	10. Chapter 10

The sun rose to tell us that it was another day. So I got up and washed my faced that was smeared with my make up which I thought I cleaned up last night. Apparently I didn't get all of it. Mike was still asleep so I lay down by his side and watched him. This seemed weird but in a positive way. I mean watching him sleeping so peacefully makes me jealous. I wish I could look as peaceful as he is awake or asleep.

Ten minutes passed and his alarm clock rang. The loud beeping sounds that came out of it made him get up. He switched it off and turned to me.

"Good morning" I greeted him as he rubbed his eyes.

"Good morning to you too" he said kissing me lightly on the lips. I instantly pulled away.

"What's wrong?" he asked

"Oh nothing. There's mouthwash waiting for you in the bathroom though."

"Shut up" he said playfully as he stood up and gurgled with Listerine. As soon as he rinsed his mouth completely, he came back into the room and on the bed.

He leaned in and kissed me.

"Better?" he asked and I grinned.

"Come here" I said and we both lay back in bed without breaking the kiss.

Minutes later, someone knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" Mike asked as he pulled away and ran for the door. There was no reply so he peeped in the peep hole and saw that it was Ryan

"I think it's for you" he said to me and I got up and opened the door.

"Where've you been the whole night?" Ryan asked angrily

"Isn't it obvious from where I'm standing?"

"Don't go all sarcastic on me"

"But seriously"

"Can we talk outside?"

"Wait here" I told Ryan and turned to find Mike nodding.

"Okay" I said sighing as I walked out of the door. We got into the hallway. Lucky us, we had no audience.

"Why didn't you return my calls or my messages last night?" he said getting really angry

"You shouldn't be concerned"

"As your boyfriend, I should be concerned"

"You're not my boyfriend anymore Ryan"

"Are we really gonna play this game?"

"What game are we playing here? I never agreed to play anything. You think I was kidding when I said it was over? Well if you wanna play Ryan, go ahead and play by yourself because I'm done playing with you. You're a cheater Ryan and did you know that cheaters never win?"

"Quitters don't either"

"But this cheater does" I said pointing to myself and I wanted to walk away but he held on to my hand and he gripped it real hard.

"Ryan that hurts. Let go" I ordered trying to keep myself calm

"Do you think that you're the only one who's hurt here?"

"Ryan seriously please let go" I said trying to get his hand off my wrist

"No! I won't because I want to give you the same feeling you gave to me when you called it off."

"Ryan!" I yelled and Mike came to the rescue. He ran out of his room as soon as he heard me scream.

"Dude, get your hands off her" Mike said and Ryan let go immediately. Ryan turned around and faced him.

"You get your hands off her" Ryan said forming fists with his hands. This is going to end badly.

"Dude just move on. This wont do you any good"

"Yeah, you'd know"

"Shut up man"

"Shut up before what? You'll hit me with your gay fists?"

"Okay I've had it with you"

"Whoa whoa whoa. You do not want this to end this way" I said getting in between them before Mike had a chance to strike Ryan's face.

"Oh is she your bodyguard now?"

"Ryan, you can leave now" I said

"Whatever. I don't need you to tell me what to do" and with that, he left

"Mike please doesn't do anything like that again. I know he can be a handful but just let it slide, okay?"

"How can I just let it slide? Didn't you see the way he treated you?" he asked. And I thought he was mad because Ryan called his fists gay.

"This is nothing" I said trying to hide my wrist away.

"Alyson, you can't let him get away with that"

"I can and I just did"

"This isn't over yet"

"Yes it is Mike. I don't want to hear you guys fight again please don't make that happen"

"Alyson-"

"No Mike. He's not worth it."

"Okay" he said but it didn't seem like it was the end. I think he's likely to add another chapter to this story but hopefully he doesn't.

"I have a show today. Would you want to come with me and watch from backstage?"

"I'd be glad to"

We left the hotel and we went straight to Untitled and Unknown's set and I watched Mike sign autographs for crazy fan girls. He caught me looking at him so he smiled. I couldn't resist his smile so I smiled back. I looked around to see if Ryan was anywhere in sight. That was a good thing. It meant that I didn't have anything to worry about. So I just thought about what happened until the show started. Mike sang or screamed awesomely today and I've never heard anything more beautiful. I rested my head on his shoulder when the show was over and he cupped my face in his hand and kissed me.

"I love you" he said and I couldn't find the words to say.

_I love you too _I thought…


	11. Chapter 11

I couldn't speak

I couldn't speak. I couldn't find the words to say. I must've looked stupid just standing there looking at him. I think my mouth was open a little but that's not the point.

"I understand" Mike said embracing me.

"Mike, I'm really sorry." I said

"Imma take a bath. I'll be right back." he said kissing me and leaving the room. I'm glad Mike didn't take it the wrong way but somehow deep inside, I know he was hurt. I can't believe I couldn't say the phrase. Three words, eight letters, three syllables. I just couldn't tell him. I can't believe myself. This is so stupid…

I walked around the room, waiting for Mike trying to forget the incident but I couldn't. After a few minutes of pacing, Mike came out of the bathroom, fresh and fully clothed.

"Sorry you had to wait so long." He said wiping his face with the towel.

"Its fine" I said faking a smile.

"So where'd you want to go?"

"I didn't really have plans" I said looking at the ground

"Alyson, just forget it ever happened. I was stupid. I shouldn't have said anything like that and like I said, I need to give you some time." He said fixing his hair, looking at the mirror and not at me.

I thought I felt my heart bend. What did he mean that he shouldn't have said anything like that? I mean did he just take it back? How could he?

"Okay since you don't have plans, why don't we go to Anything Goes' bus and pick up your stuff or would you rather leave it there?" he said.

"He might be there"

"They have a set right about now so I don't think anyone would be in that bus."

"Okay" I said taking the hand he was offering and walked off with him to get my stuff.

We walked with no words to say to each other…in other words, in silence. As soon as we got to the bus, Mike opened the door without knocking and let me in first. When I got inside, I felt like I was shot through the heart. That's what I felt when I saw Ryan making out with a girl on the couch. I choked back my tears, not allowing one drop out of my eye. I know Ryan saw me but he just kept kissing the girl thinking may be I'd be jealous but seriously, why would I be jealous? The girl he's making out with looks like a call girl.

Being brave, I went in and grabbed all I owned and ignored the jackass and the moaning call girl.

I got out as fast as I could, not leaving a single thing behind. Mike looked kinda nervous

"You okay?" he asked

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Coz your eyes are watery"

"It doesn't matter. Does it?"

"Not one bit" he said giving me a little peck on the cheek.

As we left the bus, I turned back and saw that Ryan was there looking at me, tears falling from his eyes. I pitied him at first but you know. It only serves him right.

Mike took me to his hotel room to put my stuff inside then we both went down to get some coffee. We sat down after we got the cups of coffee. It was awkward just sitting down in front of Mike after all that happened today.

"I bet he was trying to make you jealous" Mike said blowing the smoke that was released from his cup.

"Ya but clearly it didn't work"

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I am"

"You don't have to pretend Alyson. You say you're over him but your face doesn't say so."

"So you mean you want me to get back together with him?"

"No…I don't want you getting hurt. All I'm saying is that you clearly need time to mope."

"So you don't want to be with me right now?"

"I do but I don't know if you want to be with me"

"Did the employee there place something in your coffee?"

"What if he did? Wouldn't you believe me?"

"He dosed your drink Mike"

"Alyson, I'm serious here."

"I'm sorry. Mike I do want to be with you I really wanted to say it a while ago but I-"

"I told you I understood. You don't have to explain any further" he said and we both fell silent for a while.

"Mike?" I said starting a conversation

"Yea?" he said taking a sip from his now, warm coffee

"I love you" I said watching him as he lowly grabbed my hand and kissed it.

"I'm glad you do coz I love you too." He said and I got up from my chair and I kissed him on the lips.

I did say the words he wanted to hear but I'm not sure I meant it. I wanted it to be a special moment but this doesn't seem like a special moment. But right now, I don't care. I know regret will come later so I'll just wait until it does.

Feeling his lips on mine felt like I was where I belonged but I kept doubting myself. I kept asking myself if this is the right decision and I've come down to one conclusion and that conclusion would be to see if it is or isn't. I'm ready for the pain if it fails.

And this is what you can call wishful thinking. I wished for something better only to get something worse and the story goes on and on. But with Mike, everything just vanishes and he shows me that there is hope somewhere out there if you search for it…and with him is where I'll be forever…

…the end…

This is it guys…the end… hope u liked it. Imma take a break now so it would be a while til the next one. See ya!


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